Calming Down from Big Emotions: Why Children Need Help and How to Support Them

From around the age of 2, children begin to experience a wide range of new emotions, such as frustration, anger, excitement, embarrassment, guilt, and shame. These emotions can often feel overwhelming, especially since young children are still developing their emotional regulation skills. As a result, they frequently need help calming down from these intense feelings. Here's why children need support and how parents can guide them through the process.

Why Children Need Help Managing Big Emotions

Developing Skills: Children are still learning how to manage and regulate their emotions. They have not yet developed the full range of coping strategies that adults rely on in emotional situations.

Limited Vocabulary: Toddlers and preschoolers often do not have the words to express what they’re feeling. This lack of language can make it harder for them to talk about their emotions, leading to more physical or behavioural reactions like tantrums or shouting.

Temperament: Some children may be more sensitive to reacting strongly to stimuli based on their temperament. For instance, what seems like a minor issue to a parent might feel like a major event to a child.

External Factors: Being tired, hungry, overstimulated, or excited can make it much harder for children to calm down.

Helping Children Calm Down: 5 Key Steps

Supporting children as they navigate big emotions can help them feel more secure and teach them valuable skills for emotional regulation. Here are five steps parents can take to help their child manage big emotions:

1. Notice the Emotion
Help your child calm down by noticing their emotional state and identifying the emotion they are experiencing. This requires tuning into your child’s behaviour, body language, and words.

For example, if you ask your child to turn off the TV and come to the table for dinner, and they start rolling around on the floor and loudly complaining, this behaviour is a clue that they are feeling angry. By observing closely, you can get better at understanding what your child is feeling and help them manage these emotions.

2. Name the Emotion
Once you have identified the emotion, help your child by labelling it and connecting it to the event that triggered it. This helps your child understand what they are feeling and teaches them to connect their emotions with specific experiences or events.

For instance, if your child is upset about having to turn off the TV, you could say, “I can see you’re feeling angry because it’s time to turn off the TV.” This helps your child recognise their feelings and shows them that it is okay to have emotions, even if their behaviour might not be appropriate.

3. Pause
After labelling the emotion, pause and give your child time to absorb what you have said. This moment of silence allows your child to process the situation without feeling overwhelmed by a flood of words. Count slowly to five in your head to give your child space.

This brief pause might be enough for your child to calm down or even come up with a solution on their own. For example, your child might ask, “Can I watch more TV after I’ve had dinner?”

4. Support Your Child
If your child is still very upset, they might need more time to calm down. During this time, stay calm, be present, and ensure that both you and your child are safe. By staying close, you’re showing your child that emotions do not have to be overwhelming and that you can handle their emotions alongside them.

You might need to return to Step 1 if your child is still very upset, “I can see that you are really angry about this”. This can reassure your child that their feelings are valid as they work through them.

Patience is key - waiting for big emotions to pass can take time, especially for young children.

It can be tempting to offer suggestions like, “Use your words” or “Take deep breaths,” but in the heat of the moment, your child might not be able to respond. Instead, wait until their emotions have calmed before offering these strategies.

5. Address the Problem
Once your child has calmed down, you can address the problem that led to the big emotion. Whether it’s discussing alternative solutions or reinforcing boundaries, addressing the problem after emotions have settled allows for a more constructive conversation.

Final Thoughts
Teaching children to manage their emotions takes time and practice, but it’s an essential part of their emotional development. Using these steps to help guide your child through managing big emotions can help them build the skills they need to regulate their emotions. Your calm presence and understanding are powerful tools in teaching your child that it is okay to feel big emotions and that they can cope with and manage their emotions.