Understanding and Managing Separation Anxiety in Children

Separation anxiety is a natural part of early childhood development. It's the fear or distress children experience when they are away from their primary caregivers. Separation anxiety often occurs around 6-7 months of age, peaks between 14-18 months and generally diminishes as children get older. Children with separation anxiety may cry, cling to parents, or exhibit distress when separated. They may also react similarly to strangers, which is a related fear.

Why Does Separation Anxiety Happen?
These early anxieties are rooted in evolution: as children become mobile, their fear of separation and strangers plays a protective role. Without this caution, they might wander away from caregivers or approach unknown people, increasing the risk of getting lost. So, separation anxiety is essentially a developmental milestone and part of a child’s instinct for self-preservation.

Helping Children with Separation Anxiety
If your child experiences separation anxiety, avoiding separation isn't the solution. Instead, you can gently encourage them to manage their anxiety in various ways.

In New Places:
1. Spend Time Together in New Environments: If you're leaving them somewhere new, like a relative’s house or preschool, spend some time there with them first. Familiarise them with the setting and the people can help to reduce their distress.
2. Comfort Objects: Let them take something they love from home - like a teddy bear or blanket, which can help them feel secure.
3. Collaborate with Caregivers: Inform caregivers or teachers about their anxiety and the steps you’re taking to help. This ensures consistent support.

During Goodbyes:
1. Start Small: Begin with short separations and gradually increase the time apart as they become more comfortable.
2. Explain Your Absence and Return: Let them know when you’re leaving and when you'll be back.
3. Positive Departures: Keep goodbyes brief and calm, and make sure you remain positive and calm.

At Home:
1. Practice Being Apart: Try leaving them with another family member briefly, explaining that you’ll be back soon. Start with short separations and increase gradually.
2. Avoid Criticism: Comments like “She’s such a mummy’s girl” or “Don’t be such a baby” can undermine their confidence. Instead, acknowledge their worries and their bravery.
3. Read Books on the Topic: Sharing stories that address separation can help normalise their feelings. For instance, a story about a young bunny worried to be away from their parents can provide comfort and reassurance.
4. Encourage Self-Esteem: Reward and praise small steps of independence. Building their confidence through positive attention when they handle separation well helps lessen anxiety.

The Stepladder Approach
This gentle behaviour technique can also be effective for children with separation anxiety. It involves gradually introducing short, manageable separations and slowly increasing the time apart, helping children build resilience step by step.

When Separation Persists
As children reach preschool and school age, separation anxiety generally lessens. However, a small number of children experience a level of anxiety that interferes with their daily functioning and learning. About 4% of preschoolers and school-age children develop separation anxiety disorder.

If you’re concerned about your child’s anxiety you can speak to your child’s GP or paediatrician. You can also speak with a psychologist or counsellor/therapist about your concerns and how they might be able to support your child.

Managing separation anxiety effectively can make it easier for both you and your child. By providing calm, consistent support, you can help your child feel more secure and help them develop the confidence to navigate their world independently.